The one thing that the audiologist said that kind of spooked me was that I may hear better than my husband. I’ve watch my husband interact in verbal conversations and he does so well, tens of times better than me. He makes relationships and keeps them – not superficial ones, but real ones. Superficial ones would be the type that I have – where I get by with a “hello, how are you” and then look the other way, because God forbid they launch onto a conversation and I get lost in the fray. And now she’s tell me that I could, possibly hear better than him? Now that it’s been a couple of days, I’m kind of excited about that idea. But that’s such a weird concept. Me, Lisa, deaf for 22 years and now I can actually carry on a decent conversation without trying to control my environment? Who does that make me? My happiness has been based on being happy with who I am and I have spent so long trying to do just that. And now I feel almost like I have to adjust to a different sense of self and be OK with that. I. King Jordan said “Deaf people can do anything, except hear.” So now it’s kind of starting to turn into “Deaf people can do anything, and hear.” It’s like the hearing aspect is just a separate part of me in that sentence, but yet it’s not – “deaf people”. I could go with the people first language and that would be just a part of me that’s not really “attached”. I don’t know if any of what I just said made sense.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t over analyze things. I read other blogs, and it’s very easy, it’s very fun. I hope it’s actually that way for me when all is said and done. Like I hope people call me or sit next to me because they want to get to know me, and not try to disapperate every time I’m near or hurry me off the phone. I’m tired of that. It makes me feel isolated and I’m sure that others don’t think it’s fun trying to communicate with me either.
But at the same time, I do like being deaf. It makes me different, it makes me unique, it has turned me into a better person – in my opinion. But perhaps being deaf has taught me all that I need to know for my life and now it’s time to try something different.
I was watching a movie that Advanced Bionics gave to me. It was about a little girl who was given a good language foundation before being implanted at 3 1/2 years old. They did everything: FM systems, hearing aids, sign language. That little girl made a lot of the similar strides that I did when I was growing up. I did it with my hearing aid. I was out of speech therapy at 3rd grade. I was down to one hour of deaf education every two weeks at that time too. I did well in school and finished with good marks, and I made friends with people who may not have been popular but who liked me. I just feel like, jeez if I can do a lot of the things that people with implants can do, why am I getting one? I guess I hope to hear more than I do. Just a bit might help me face challenges in everyday life.
I’m getting excited about it too. I almost wish I was going into the hospital next week. All this talk about it makes me curious. What would that sound like? Would my hearing be as good as my audiologist said?